Rollercoasters

I’m taking some time out from rolling around this afternoon after a big day. I didn’t intend on writing another blog so quickly but it’s top of my mind so I wanted to note it down.

Here’s me, rolling :)

Although I’m all smiles here, in the lift on the way to physio this morning it was a little more like this:

Over the past two weeks I’ve discovered there are a few different types of feelings. Don’t stress, this isn’t a huge emotional outpouring, I’m just sharing what’s been on my mind lately. There are feelings you want to feel, like rediscovering the sensation in your toes and the rush of excitement when you finish a big climb on the bike. There are feelings you don’t really want to feel, like the pain of rolling over or accidentally hitting a sore point. Then there are the feelings you have to learn to accept, like your thoughts about what has happened in the past and the discomfort that comes with pushing a boundary to make progress.

It’s the last type of feeling that I have struggled with lately and am still learning to master. Despite trying so hard to stay positive so that I can tell everyone “I’m doing really well thanks!”, there’s an underlying thought that stays bottled for some time before eventually leaking, then overflowing. In the past I’ve used terms such as ‘chernobyl moments’ or ‘meltdowns’. These seemingly nuclear events bubble up to the surface quickly and without rational thought. They’re impossible to push aside and the only cure so far has been to just let it all out in a rather unsightly scene of tears. To the family and friends who I’ve done this to over the past two weeks, I’m sorry for putting you through it but it’s caught me out just as much as it’s caught you out.

I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m not ok, because I am, in fact I’m very ok. I’m fortunate it wasn’t worse and I’m incredibly lucky to be at a great facility with so many people who give so much time to be there for me, no matter the time of day or the distance they have to cover. I have many laughs a day and it’s all part of the experience. But if I were to find the root cause of my bottled up emotion - it’s a feeling of burden and not wanting to be the reason that people aren’t going about their day-to-day lives doing the things they love most. I want others to be out there unaffected by my situation because just knowing that they’re there is normally enough.

Today’s trigger was as simple as Tim asking me how my weekend was. Next minute, a little sniff became a deep breath, which became a tear and I was quickly all over the Kleenex. Poor Tim. My Dad and brother had been down to visit, had taken so much time to buy me some beautiful Aesop products and had bent over backwards to spend time with me, help me get outside and just sit with me given there’s not much else to do. This was on the back of my Mum helping me out the previous week and then going back to Sydney to get a few things done at home. It was my Mum’s birthday on the 14th February and I would ordinarily have been making plans to see her, hopefully spoil her and try to make her feel special. A rational person would say that yes, they’re your family and that’s what they do best. But the emotional side can so swiftly step in and say “they’re here to see you, to do things for you, because you’re not 100%”. It’s that focus on me, my impact on their lives and my need for them to help me out. This is what I’ve found can create the rollercoasters in emotions. I found it so hard to call them after the accident (…I only called them the day after my surgery to tell them what happened) because there’s a tendency to only want others to see the good bits - those feelings you’re meant to feel.

On the upside, I was able to capture some of those good feelings over the weekend. Here’s a little snippet of my latest progress with the ‘transfer’.

Then there are the feelings you’re not meant to feel, or so you think. A wise owl (one of my nurses) mentioned early on that I’ll need to learn the difference between pain and discomfort. Pain is generally seen as bad, something that you take various measures to stop - be it the ‘flight’ response, endless amounts of painkillers or just plain avoidance. That’s because it hurts, it seems to have no benefit and it’s not something we want to repeat. But then there’s discomfort - sure it’s not pleasant but it’s not necessarily bad for us either. It’s the type of feeling that we almost need (interspersed with good feelings) in order to progress. By feeling discomfort in my knee during physio, I know I’m getting there. I won’t deny there are other feelings of discomfort that aren’t quite as satisfying but they’re feelings I need to learn to accept because they’re making me better.

If only drinking a glass of concrete and standing (or sitting) up straight could do the trick :) I can joke now, but that’s only because my hospital buddy Ghita managed to talk some sense into me. Ghita has been through her own tough times with health, family and life, and had some absolute gems of wisdom to share. My favourite was to treat yourself like you would treat your best friend - I wouldn’t let my best friends say those things and I shouldn’t let myself dwell on those thoughts. I think we’re often our own worst enemies and it’s times like this that I need to be kindest to myself. To everyone who has visited/sent messages, you’ve gone totally above and beyond what I could ever ask for and I’m always going to be grateful for it.

As part of my rehab here, I get access to a psychologist and counselling service. I’m glad that I’ll be able to discuss all of the above in more detail with them and get their thoughts on how to better manage them as they arise throughout the day. Being upset this morning has been replaced after a couple of laughs this afternoon but I can’t ignore that it’s happening and I’ll need to address it over the coming weeks.

In other news, Ghita and I had a giggle this morning after turning up at physio in matching gear :) We’ll be keeping Bonds in business for a while I think.

It also seemed that Chris missed the memo when he and Matty turned up wearing the same thing when they visited on Sunday night :)

I was also treated to some pretty delicious food yesterday. First it was Miranda bearing a brownie (for medicinal purposes surely), followed by Bianca and James visiting with fresh sushi. Feeling very spoilt.

Tomorrow is a really big day for me - it’s the first time I’ll be reviewed in the weekly Tuesday meeting to discuss each patient’s progress. Tim will provide me with an update afterwards and will also help me to refresh my goals based on what I’ve been able to improve on this week. Sadly it’s also Tim’s last week before taking some long service leave so I’m also looking forward to meeting my new physio. If it’s like anything else they do here, I’m sure the handover will be seamless.